


Relying on Broken Faith and an Absent God

by gaboski



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Angst, Fluff, M/M, faith - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 11:42:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5867965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaboski/pseuds/gaboski
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's daughter, Claire, is sick. She's been sick. He's desperate for something, anything, to help her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Relying on Broken Faith and an Absent God

Dean was scared.

She was his only daughter. How could he not be? She was just laying there, all limp, all broken. And he couldn’t help her. He couldn’t fix her. He’d promised her she’d be okay. He was doubting himself now. He was regretting his promise. 

They weren’t expecting the cancer. No one really does. It was vigorous and aggressive, and just too much. It was too much for her. It was too much for Claire. 

He told himself it was the flu when she started coughing. He assured Cas when it kept going on. But after weeks, it was getting worse, and he didn’t even believe himself when he told Cas it was ‘just a flu’ for the hundredth time. 

Turns out it wasn’t just the flu after all, instead it was leukemia. He called the doctor a liar, and argued with him about Claire’s perfect health. Cas took it better, of course, and asked the doctor how bad it was. 

It turned out to be bad enough that an enlarged lymph node was pressing on her trachea, suffocating her. Something was suffocating his little girl, and he couldn’t do anything about it. He just had to sit there, and watch her suffer. He had to watch her die. 

Dean really couldn’t do it, but he did anyway. 

But all that was years ago. She’s still sick, but she’s alive. The chemo seemed to be working in a sense. The cancer was still there, but at least she was breathing. Even if it was with help. 

She had a particularly bad day a few days ago. That’s when Dean decided to pray. He just seemed like he needed to, because she couldn’t breath and she was crying, and all he could do was scream at nurses and watch her. He needed her to get better, and maybe God was the answer to that. 

Before that, Dean hadn’t prayed since his mom died. He prayed for God to help him take care of Sammy. Sam did turn out all right, so maybe God had heard his prayer. 

Dean always thought that God gave you a few wishes. Just some things you can ask for, like favors. So he used his wisely. One for Sammy, one for Claire. Maybe he’ll have one left that he can use later. He doesn’t quite know how this works, but no one really does. 

And so he found the chapel in the hospital. It was a dingy, little thing, but a chapel nonetheless. There was no one inside, which was good, because no one would see him cry… if that were to happen. He picked a pew in the back and rested his elbows on the pew in front of him. He put his face upon his clenched fist and closed his eyes. This is how you pray right? Dean’s seen it like this in movies.

“Hey there, God.” He nervously chuckled. He didn’t think you were supposed to be this casual with God, or whatever. “I kind of need your help. I think you helped with Sammy… big shot lawyer with a pretty wife and kids.

“I know I haven’t prayed in a while-” Dean stopped. He heard someone shuffling outside the hall. He waited till he could hear footsteps walking away. 

“I know I haven’t prayed in a while,” he started again, “but it’s because everything turned out okay. I haven’t really needed you, not like I need you now.

“You really got help me out with Claire, because she’s a good kid. Cas brings her to church every Sunday, and she willingly attends Sunday School. She wants to get married in a chapel and everything.” Dean huffed out a breath. He wondered if anyone was listening or if he was just speaking to himself. 

“So just, please, let her get better. I know I don’t have the best track record with the whole church thing so, if not for me, do it for Claire and Cas. She really deserves to get married in a church, and Cas should be able to walk her down the aisle.” Dean paused for a moment, trying to look for something else to say.

“Okay, that’s it, so uh, bye God. Amen.” He finished, opening his eyes. Goodness, that was weird. He quickly turned around, just making sure no one had come in while he was telling God all of his problems. It was still empty. 

He stood up and started towards the door, giving the chapel one last look-over before heading out. He hoped that wasn’t for nothing. 

 

~

 

“Hey, stranger,” Cas greeted him, weakly smiling. He looked tired. He had heavy bags under his eyes, and clothes hanging loosely off his body. He was spread out along the couch, a book in his hand and glasses nearly falling off his nose. 

When Claire first got sick, they both split staying at the hospital overnight. It kept going on for months, until the very real fact of she may not get better set in. They transferred into a more homely and permanent hospital in the city, so she could live at the hospital, and do school and everything. They took her out a few times a week to hang out in the town or just home. When they didn’t take her out, they just visited her, but they didn’t always spend the night, since she claimed it embarrassed her. He stayed overnight at least twice a week anyway. 

“Hey, sorry I’m so late,” Dean replied. It was true, he was later than usual. After his praying session, he decided to watch some Disney movie with Claire, which he’d never admit he liked.

“It’s fine. I was just reading a book on the Third Carlist War.” Cas said, showing him the cover. Dean shrugged and laid down opposite him on the couch. The couch wasn’t being enough for them, and they were nearly falling off.

“Nerd.” Dean told him, grinning. Cas rolled his eyes. 

“So why are you so late? On a hot date?” Cas asked, pushing his glasses up before they fell off his nose.

“Yeah, with our daughter,” Dean scoffed. He could feel Cas smiling, though it was hidden behind his book. 

“What’d you guys get up to?” 

“She made me watch _Tangled_.” 

“Did you like it?” Cas peered over his book and peeked at Dean.

“No,” Dean said, but he could feel himself blush.

“You loved it, didn’t you?” Cas asked him, his eyes squinting.

“I thought it had a lot of good lessons and stuff, I dunno.” Dean mumbled. He was _definitely_ blushing now. He could feel it creeping up his cheeks.

“Hmm.” Cas murmured, ducking his head being his book again. Dean should probably tell Cas about the praying thing, Cas being all religious and all. 

“Hey, Cas? Can we talk?” 

“Yes, wait one moment,” Cas replied, reaching for a bookmark off the coffee table. He always made a big deal about using bookmarks. He says he hates it when people doggy ear books, because apparently it ruins them. Dean made sure he always doggy eared them. After Cas was done, he turned his eyes on Dean and gave him a small smile.

“So… I prayed today.” Dean started. Cas tilted his head and scrunched his eyebrows together. 

“What? You know how to do that?” Cas exclaimed, a smile lingering on his lips. 

“Yes, Cas, I know how to pray. It’s not hard. All you do is talk to the big guy up there and finish with ‘amen’.” Dean said, sarcastically. Cas threw him a grin. 

“What did you pray about? Claire?” 

“Yeah. Nothing else worth praying about, really.” Dean replied, grimly. He started playing with his thumbs. 

“How did it go?” Cas asked him, concerned. He was staring at Dean now, but Dean would return his gaze.

“I think it went fine. I just asked her to be okay. I’m really running out of options here, Cas.” Dean admitted. He was getting desperate, now. She’s been like this for three years. The poor girl has spent a third of her life in a hospital. 

“She’s okay, Dean. The doctors are saying that everything is fine as of now.” Cas assured him.

“I know, but I still can’t-” Dean stopped, since he didn’t want to accidentally raise his voice. “I can’t help her, Cas.” 

Cas’s expression softened and he leaned over to reach Dean’s hand. Cas laid his own atop of Dean’s. 

“You can’t always be the hero, Dean.” Cas replied, his voice soft as ever. Dean met his eyes, and he could tell that Cas’s eyes were red and big. He didn’t want to make Cas cry. _God_ , after the cancer came, all they did was cry. Dean hated crying. 

He knows what Cas said was right. Dean can’t always be the hero, even if he wants to. Even if he feels like he needs to. 

“I wish I could.” Dean told him.

“I know. But no one can.” Cas said, leaning over to kiss Dean on the forehead. “Let’s go to bed, alright?” 

“Alright.” 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was made for [SPN Writing Challenge.](http://spnwritingchallenge.tumblr.com/)  
>    
> If I got any information wrong while writing this, I am so sorry! Tell me about it so I can fix it.   
> Check out my tumblr [here!](http://casualcas.tumblr.com/)


End file.
